I posted a craigslist ad:

What is with all the chicks talking about Fantasy Football? Where are the women who could give a crap about a bunch of drug-inflated semiliterate “professional” game-playing-adults? Honestly. Read a book, or something. Obsessing over spreadsheets of average-yards-per-jockstrap-ruined of some millionaire manchild between bouts of snorting designer caviar and shopping for larger rims for his refrigerator is about as pointless as reading one of their diaries.

I’m 28. I wouldn’t know Brent Favreau if he rushed a sack into my tacklebox. I have a job that sucks. I love Deadwood and William Gibson. As a child I drank an Orange Crush that had a layer of hot chili oil on the lip and I just cried from the pain and cried and drank more and cried. I have a dogs. One pair. I ate cereal for breakfast. I like my bicycle. I like the sunshine, and I hate that we’ve given up freedom in the name of safety. I have a Myspace but it’s really just so I can look at other people’s stuff. I don’t like polyamory.

You should probably be around my age. You should maybe have read a book in the past couple months. You can like sports, but you should understand that when you talk about how many runs batted in someone has I am going to get that faraway look and will probably be replaying old episodes of Duck Tales in my head.

Craigslist response:

I’m just curious if there are people out there who don’t love to laugh. Like they just really don’t like it. They are going out after work and when the idea of watching a comedy comes up, they just go “Boy, this is embarassing, because everyone is just gonna be laughing and that will be horrible.”

I haven’t met any of them. I’ve met quite a few people. I don’t think a single one didn’t, on one level or another, love to laugh. But you pointed out that you specifically do love to laugh, so I’m just wondering if maybe you met someone who didn’t love to laugh.

So did you?

I decided about three weeks ago to grow in some facial hair, and while it’s still only just a scraggly little streak of a thing, my junior high self would be totally jealous. I spent all day reading Spook Country and thinking about the conversation I just had with an ex where she said I was “like Batman”. I don’t really know what she meant, but I never really understood women and frankly, this will not be the last time that someone with too many X chromosomes baffles me.

I have a dog that is fat and a dog that is skinny. They are looking up at me right now like I’m some kind of food-magic deity. They get used to my schedule. Up in the AM, off to work, back in the PM, food for us both, some TV, some reading, and then off to bed. It’s tempting to be worshipped, watch them bark at the door to bring up the sun, but frankly mankind made it’s best leaps being disappointed by God and I think maybe they should have to stay up late worried about me too.

In short, I want someone to help me disappoint my dogs.

I don’t smoke anymore, I don’t drink every day. I think I think too much and maybe you should too.

Least appealing ad title thus far – “I want to piss on you and then tease you”. Seriously, if you’re gonna pee on me, I’m gonna want more than teasing afterwards. Like at minimum sex. I guess if I were into pee play, it’d probably be sexy or something. For me it just sounds like a shitty job. Show up, get peed on, then fifteen minute smoke break, back to the pee, maybe get some dry humping and vague cockteasery, then a little shower and eat lunch. Back to the pee in the afternoon, looking at the clock the whole time. Clock out, locker room, change out of the pee clothes. Get back in the car, head back towards the house. Maybe pick up some greasy General Tso’s.

Most depressing ad – “Married, looking for a boyfriend – 45″. I don’t even know where to start on this one. I have a suggestion here: Vibrator. Go ahead and invest in one. Maybe stop with the constant dick and get another hobby. You’re 45, I know that it’s late to have developed any sort of taste in art or higher intellectual goals, but you could at least develop a vague interest in television or some entertainment a step up from fucking constantly. I know nobody ever died with the last words “I wish I had less sex”, but this borders on pathetic.

I think the ads that please me the most are the ones that follow this format.

1. State own physical statistics. For example “5 feet 8 inches, 175 pounds.”
2. Indicate you’re looking for “more personality than physical appearance”
3. State the physical appearance you’re looking for.
4. Restate that you are only in this for intellectual compatibility.
5. State some more physical characteristics you’re looking for.
6. Finish with a recap of physical characteristics you find attractive.

Back to the grind, the pee-tease is telling me my break is over.

Interestingly enough, my last post about women got picked up by some spam aggregator and titled “Desperately Lonely”, which kind of depressed me. However, not 4 hours after posting that missive about being laid to the side, the woman in question emailed me back to apologize. Though meeting her was not meant to be for this weekend, it will hopefully be later this week. I was hoping that I could convince her to go out on Valentines and then be really creepy or over dramatic about it the entire night, but this cold is kind of making that unlikely.

It will likely be on Friday. TAKE THAT SPAM AGGREGATOR. I AM NOT DESPERATELY ANYTHING ASSFACE HOLES.