Monthly Archives: July 2014

I refuse to discuss hypotheticals

OK OK I KNOW it’s bad people. I know it isn’t great I seem to have shot myself in the groin but I have to stress this – That is no reason to put the gun down.

I repeat, I am going to just hold on to the gun for now. Who knows what kind of future situation might develop. Not me. I know this seems like the time you might drop whatever it is you are doing and call 911 but hear me out — What if I put the gun down, use my hand to dial a phone or clutch the spurting wound, and I suddenly need the gun again. Come on folks, I haven’t led us wrong yet AND YES I AM INCLUDING THE GROIN SHOT IN THE SUCCESSES COLUMN. History will judge my administration, not the hot blooded emotional yowlings of somebody with a bullet lodged in their pelvic girdle. I have a five point plan to get that bullet out, heal the wound and make me good as new, better even, possibly immune to bullets, I don’t know, I’m not a master gunsmith, like the great John Moses Browning, a business success like Mark Cuban, nor a fancy pants Canada doctor with access to a bunch of charts about bullet removal but I am the man in the room with the most experience both shooting AND GETTING SHOT and I can tell you the last thing you want to do in this situation is lose control of the gun.

BANG BANG

The real victory here is that there is a scalpel on the ground that this doctor dropped when I shot him and I think, if I aim just right, and kind of squat down near the ground, I can ricochet the scalpel into the area of the wound. This is basic trigonometry, something any high school freshman can do, we just squat and aim carefully, the shadows can, you can measure the shadows and line it up with the…

BANG

Well pats on the back all around everybody. Mission Accomplished, you could say! All three pieces of the scalpel ricocheted back up into the area of the wound, and I’ve got this chart which shows exactly where we need to shoot to get them lined back up in the right order. I understand that it’s still not going to be pointed the direction of the bullet but I think some of the cutting edge, current development shooting technology might be a total game changer when it comes to in place object ricochet reversal and repositioning. I refuse to discuss hypotheticals about how to reassemble the scalpel in the leg until we have committed to at least a two bullet plan to move the first piece of the scalpel into “subposition A-1”, with a commitment to vote on a full Position A bullet budget and shooting solution before Quarter Three earnings reports. All in favor? Approved? Excellent. We just need to shoot our way to a gun store and see if one of their professionals can help us find a discount on bullets. Maybe I can shoot down a cab or an ambulance that is headed past a gun shop or sporting goods store.