Currently Unfinished Project Portion: St Peter’s Battle Rap

This is for a scene in which petitioners to the Pearly Gates must freestyle-battle St. Peter in order to get into Heaven. I haven’t written Doug Cole’s part yet, but here is St. Pete.

Innnnnntroducing (beat)
Saint saint saint saint saint…
Peeeeettteteteteteter Peter.
UNDISPUTED (chicka chicka) EMCEE STATUS
Dougy Cole, (BUP BUP)
Lil’ chumpin up like he deserves this
automatic entry – wordless de-solilo-quist
Every single mother fucker on this side of shit? (HOME TEAM)
We was hopin’ the asshole behind you was a ventriloquist. (HAH)
[musical cut] (AND NOW YOU IN SOME SHIT!)
Loosen that asshole son cause you goin’ to hell.
Kiss that smug satisfaction farewell.
(Chorus cut: It’s judgement bitch!) eat up all four courses
What’s this shit right here with the fuckin’ divorces?
What’s this about stealin’ and lyin’ and not makin’ nice
Cheatin’ and hatin’? Wait, you beat a hooker?! (TWICE)
Trick, the linea shit that I -could -unload on you
would go from now till they greenlight “Waterworld II” (YO COSTNER)
Is it your mommas fault you so damn bad at this (WEAK SPERM)
Or did you just not think your ass needed to pra-a-ctice
Cause the serious crime – what earns you this re-peat
Is this old school deep-dish phonopathetic de-feat
Tell you what next time bring your whole damn crew
Oh snap, that’s right, you lived just for you
Got noone in your corner, but I got my whole set
You ain’t figured out what life’s for yet!
So you goin’ ta purgatory for an eon or two
And we’ll try again when your soul is true blue.
Now Saint Pete just did your shit like an old school cop
Beat that ass with my mic and now the bitch drop

(Drops mic)

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