Last Rites

So*, I decided to do some organization of my twitter herd because I am having some work/life/twitter balance issues lately. But rather than rant blasphemously about how my endless, navel-gazing white man problems never cease, I decided to just do something about it. But in this mundane cleaning chore which should be scriptable, I’ve found… The Last Tweet guessing game.

@graphikwork: 44 miles from B’ham. 3064 miles from Alaska.

What ever happened? Is this like the fucking Donner Party or some shit? I mean… this was six months ago. You shoulda made it by now. Unless you were part of a cattle drive or something. But even then, six months? Somewhere in there you coulda texted. I imagine this person in their shitty, twelve year old Ford Escort. Tweeting about their (pretty hair-brained) transcontinental journey. They’ve stopped for a quick taco in that place they know. And just as they pull out of the parking lot, WHAM double-loaded semi smears them across the pavement.

@p1x3lated: I want google wave. Plz halpz!!

This person, quite clearly, got their Wave account and is now there, completely happy with the way Wave helps her connect with society. They are the ONLY person who feels this way about Google Wave.

@epicexperiences: Just got done climbing a route on beacon rock, it was pretty choice. The views were phenomenal.

Obviously the climbing went fine but I guess maybe the descending didn’t.

@EvilNeen: If @unanything’s head gets any bigger, we’ll have to cut him out of the apartment.

Oh, it got bigger all right. @EvilNeen’s home planet was destroyed with @ouranything’s head went gas giant and simply blocked out the sun.

@shejohns: showing emily how to use twitter

Ext: A high school library.
It is dark, the only direct light comes from THE WINDOW. Two girls are standing over a table piled with papers, composition books, complicated looking schedules. They are looking down at what we find to be a
INT: High School Library.
small glowing screen. We zoom in to find a laptop with Tweetdeck loaded full screen.
A message has just finished sending.

pull back on two high school aged girls in school uniforms. They are side by side.
@shejohns: “And that’s basically all you do. You just put in your message and hit enter or the little send button. Any… any questions?”
Emily: “Well, I’m not really clear on the searches yet and is there a way to autofollow…”
@shejohns: “Noooo, no autofollow, that’s not really a good idea. And the searches there’s a great readme on my site that one of the forum admins wrote.”
Emily: “And you gave me the email list for the forum admins right?”
@shejohns: “YUP, You’re now officially the VP of this Fan Club!”

@shejohns hugs Emily excitedly, but Emily is strangely unresponsive, staring at the computer screen.
When @shejohns turns back to the screen to finish up some business, we bring up the music and zoom to Emily’s face, her face suddenly stony and inhuman.
From screen left, her right arm lashes out, holding a wooden-based lamp, bludgeoning @shejohns as she falls to the floor, obviously dead.
We close up on Emily’s face, splattered with blood, as she begins to wrap the body in plastic bags and anxiously daub blood from the books on the table, scanning along and stuffing documents into her backpack, she hits a plastic binder with a picture onthe front and she’s suddenly wet-eyed.

Emily: “For you, Raul. Always for you.”

And we follow the picture as she puts it into her purse, and as it dips into the dark pouch, we catch a glimpse of the cool wall eyed stare of Raul Julia, in a black and white head shot.

————–
*So I decided I was gonna clear all twitter followers who I don’t know personally who haven’t tweeted in a month. Sorry folks, that’s just how I do. If you come back later and decide you want me to follow you again you will simply have to re-apply. So I go to FriendorFollow, use the otherwise-basically-worthless “Friends” tab, and sort by “date of last tweet”. And now I have a giant pile with the bottom rows representing “private” accounts which FriendorFollows search whatzis does not errorhandle, and then, mixed in, the abandoned accounts of the now-ex-Twitterers. It felt good to get rid of some dead wood and organize some of my shit in lists. Are you paying attention Twitter? Those two things are great. That new RT? That sucks balls. This concludes the technical portion of the show.

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