On being alone

A year ago, I felt so alone I thought I was going to shatter. My asexual life partner and best friend had stopped contributing to my life in any positive way, and suddenly I was left without anyone to talk to about my biggest problem. I tried a coworker, I tried some friends. But they didn’t understand me, they didn’t have a decade of history with me to know exactly what I mean. It was horrible, it was like… losing everything. I could see how I had constructed all of my life around a central lie, that I could live for someone else, that I could turn off my brain, and let my work ethic power someone else’s construct. When that was taken from me, I spent night after night, alone with my thoughts, realizing how long it had been since I worked on myself.

Alone is good. From time to time. Dan Savage drops this perfectly formed ball of wisdom in the middle of a “fat girls need love too, and if you can just hold out you’ll get it” speech: “We will all be alone for stretches of our lives, and we have to make sure that the way our single lives are built makes us happy.”

Alone is when I write. Alone is when I masturbate. Alone is when I plumb the depths of my head. It’s when I do my math. It’s when I hatch my plans. Alone is when I’m watching movies. Alone is when I’m reading. There’s a lot of good that comes from alone. I was alone when I first realized I wanted to write. I was alone when the first song ever moved me to tears. Alone is when you get your best drinking done. Nobody else to set the pace, just you and your drink. And you’re not trying to impress anybody either. If someone else is there, you’re gonna have to have that inevitable conversation. Yes, this is a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew, vermouth and cheap brandy. No, it doesn’t taste good. Yes, it’s probably a little early to be drinking like this. No, it seriously doesn’t taste good. Because, god damn it, there’s a fucking Eek the Cat marathon on and I’ll be mother fucked if I’m going to miss out on the Eekpocalypse Now episode just to go to the store and buy proper booze and mixers. You’re not the boss of me and no I did not knock that over when I was drunk, I knocked THAT over when I dropped the vermouth, and you can see it’s gone now, so that was a long time ago, thank you very much. Blah blah blah… You can see how annoying this gets. When you’re alone it’s just “More brandy or less brandy… more brandy or less brandy. ELKLIIIIIGHT EEELLLLKLIIIIIGHT!!!!” then you knock some shit over and lie about it to yourself. But you’re drunk so you believe it, in this horrible way. Then you think about the nature of humanity for a while. Maybe you prove scientific theories by running through logic games with yourself. Maybe sometimes you cry. But for the most part you just finish your cartoons and then suddenly you wake up at 2am feeling oily, rested, slightly nauseous, and vaguely embarrassed, just like every other day, only you have a five hour head start.

I forget what the point was there but being Eek the Cat is still pretty great, so much of it is on Youtube too.

But the next time you are alone. Notice it. Embrace it. Feel out the corners inside your skull. Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself.

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