Move over rohypnol…

This, my friends – Is a game changer. I have uncovered the new front line in sexual aggressor/naive college student relations. It’s called…. Mike’s Harder Lemonade.

Now… mind you. All of us remember 2002. Mike’s delicious candy flavored liquor bottles hit the scene like blue-dot heroin or that guy Darryl’s super skunk home grown hydroponic he grew in his shower that one time. Young people of both genders were drawn to it’s seemingly limitless soda pop flavored, endless good times. Our bodies young enough to process all that sugar into hours of playful public near fornication in the form of night clubs, house parties, or all night karaoke binges, but we must face facts. Lo though long was the life and good were the spoils of the reign of King Hard Lemon – We are looking at the end of our decade folks: Women have simply started learning to keep track of how many Mike’s they drink and the world of combative debauchery is poorer for it. The last few years we have been fading, as understanding of the amount of calories in Mike’s Hard Lemonade leads this battle’s party seekers instead to simple watery lagers and American Spirit cigarettes.

Leave it to the old masters themselves to reinvent the game so completely.

With it’s 8% ABV, Mike’s Harder Lemonade is nearly twice as potent as the original Mike’s, with yet more horrifying chemical additives to cover up the booze flavor, meaning that the liver gives up EARLIER, leading to longer lasting grind sessions before friends come bail them out or accidental phone number reveals which you can turn into ill advised booty call after booty call.

But that’s not all. No, that is not enough for Mike. The Mike. The Mike understands that it’s not just about pumping up the volume, it’s also deception, because Mike’s Harder Lemonade comes in a four pack… of sixteen ounce cans. Who can do the math on that? That’s right, if your questionably-competent-to-agree-ass-to-tap of the evening chooses to drink all four cans of your magic pixie drink? She has consumed SIXTY FOUR OUNCES of malt liquor. Half a gallon. Nearly twenty FIVE percent more volume than she would have consumed had you opted for the twelve ounce bottles. And need I remind you that this is 8% abv? Whereas all SIX of the original recipe Mike’s Hard Lemonade translates to roughly 4 shots of Bacardi 151, drinking four of the Harder is equal to nearly seven.

I don’t need to tell this crowd the tactical difference that three shots of Barcardi 151 can make on whether or not you get to touch the butthole, and this lets us get there without EVER having to touch the top shelf at the club. Hell you don’t have to touch any shelf, except the shitty beer shelf in the “bad decisions start here” section at your local Chevron.

The King is dead, people….

Long live the King.

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