Indiana Jones and The Script of Doom

This is going to have lots of spoilers. You probably don’t want to read it if you haven’t watched it yet. It’s also very rambling (much like the movie).

OK, let’s start at the beginning. We start with hot-ass Cate Blanchett staring at Indy like she needs to take a dump, with her hand by his head. She says that he’s a “hard man to read”. I have a theory about this (later). From this we are supposed to presume she’s a psychic. Grumble grumble, they’re commies. We can tell because they act identically to the Nazis from Lost Ark. Commies == Nazis. Duh

Inside the warehouse. First, the gun powder super tracking cloud thing was idiotic. That’s out of the way. The ball bearing bit? Fine, no problem with that. But they both predicate themselves on Indiana Jones knowing exactly what the woman was talking about, specifically that it’s highly magnetic (ignore, for the moment, that it was apparently _more_ magnetic after it was taken out of the wooden crate, as that’s the only time when the lamps and dog tags were pulled toward it). This is after Jones indicates that he doesn’t recall what box she’s talking about. So he remembers nothing, except that it’s extremely magnetic. The fight stuff was relatively fun, but the comic timing was off all around, a trend that would continue until the end of the movie.

FBI interrogation. First things first, it was good to see the Janitor from Scrubs getting work. But, Jones once again claims he has no idea what was in the crate. Then suddenly he does remember, in vivid detail, what the night was like, what he was wearing, the color of the night sky, how many bits of lint he pulled off his hat, everything except what was in the case, which he didn’t see, which begs the question of why the fuck he was called out to this site to begin with, I guess it was so he could recall how intensely magnetic things were that night. This “I remember, I don’t remember, I have no idea, I REMEMBER” dance makes me think that the writer is senile, but then I thought better of it. It’s INDY who is senile, he’s WRITTEN THAT WAY ON PURPOSE. That’s the reason that the Psychic can’t crack his brain waves. See, it’s not spotty writing, it’s very CLEVER.

Meeting up with Mutt. Putting pretty-face Shia Lebouf atop a big bad classic Harley must have been a wet dream for somebody. This scene is as polished as they come, and as close to classic Indy movies as this one gets. I had no real problems with this, aside from some pretty heavy handed exposition in the soda fountain.

We head to Peru. Blah blah blah, somethingy something. Guarded by the dead. Which are apparently gong-fu practitioners with a fetish for dressing up in skull masks and sleeping in a graveyard waiting to kick the ass of any white dude who wanders past. No explanation of how rickety old John Hurt got past these guys (TWICE), when Indy and Mutt have such problems. Also not mentioned, why these badasses apparently poison and sharpen both ends of their darts. Also, the “suddenly decomposes on contact with air” effect is fucking lazy as shit.

IN THE TEMPLE OF THE ALIEN GODS. I shit you not, if you had told me that this movie was going to be about dimension traveling aliens who brought farming to mesoamerica and then decided to sit there for 2000 years, I’d have shot you. What’s that generically evil brunette? They’re a hive mind? How do you know that Cate Blanchett? You couldn’t get directions to the K-Mart from Indy’s brain, and he’s the same SPECIES as you. But their treasure is knowledge? Knowledge that causes your head to explode, and you to disintegrate. These aliens are dicks! Like super-dicks. Did you see the dick-look it gave before Booty McHotbangs exploded from their “gift”? That was the universal facial expression of “SUCK IT BITCH”. And then they just left? So they came in 7000 years ago, created a super civilization, then waited around for 2000 years for the conquistadors to come steal one of their heads?

I think the biggest issue I have overall is that instead of Indy going through and finding something, the bulk of it is waiting for crazy old John Hurt to act slightly weirder and then follow his lead. OH WE TAKE THE HEADS OUT. OH, HE’S WRITING BUT WITH NO PAPER. OH.

Other minor bitches below.

Indy survived a NUCLEAR EVENT.

That might have meant something like he was a super badass except that SO DID AN ENTIRE COLONY OF PRARIE DOGS.

Why was the government BLOWING UP THEIR SUPER SECRET WAREHOUSE?

If they were instead just testing nearby the SUPER SECRET WAREHOUSE don’t you think it’d be a little better shielded?

Shia LeBouf as Tarzan. ’nuff said.

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