Apple – Please Stop

Whichever one of you retards thought up the brilliant strategy of “let’s stop accepting cash“, bravo. Just excellent. Maybe now you can pull some old school Apple shit, like you can license FIC, HTC, and Motorola to build iPhone-compatible devices (Moto is dumb enough to fall for it again) and then yank the carpet out from under them in a couple months. Or maybe you could decide that what you really need to do is create your own oddball, one-off memory-card interface (Ask Sony about how good this one works out) like you did with keyboards and mice, Ethernet, expansion cards, video, video AGAIN, video, video, video, AUDIO (for god’s sake, like you couldn’t just use a regular fucking audio connector).

At absolute minimum, could you definitively tell every retard who picked up a macbook because it color coordinated with their iPod that you are not a free and open hippy dippy company and are in fact out to fuck everyone? That would be super, it would cut down on a lot of retarded forum posts.

I’m toasting this momentous occasion.

Here’s to you, Apple! No Cash/No Gift Cards is the most amazing policy decision I’ve seen you make, and I’ve been paying attention to Apple for a very long time. You have outdone yourself — until somebody finally sues you for not accepting cash as legal tender, and you come up with some other scheme even more chokingly retarded.

PPS – Here are some ideas for more hedge-legal and incredibly poor decisions to rush your spiral back down to $4 a share.

Force people to register their cell phones to their social security numbers.
Force people to register their cell phones with a picture that you keep in a face-recognition database.
Simple text messaging cleanup – Filter cursewords.
Put age restrictions on the device. I’m saying no younger than 18, no older than 30.
Tattoo on inner lip of iPhone serial number.
Random scans for non-authorized software on phone notifies to FBI as piracy/bricks your phone (you’re halfway there on this one)
Pay updates for phone firmware.
Scan text messages for “inflammatory words”/automatically add to terror watch list.

If you want to use any of these, just let me know by sending me $3000 on Paypal.

3 thoughts on “Apple – Please Stop

  1. These are the reasons I’m defecting to Ubuntu. I’ve loved Apple for a long, long time, but no more. If I buy something, I want to own it outright and be able to do whatever I want to with it without fear of reprimand from the company. Plus I’m tired of the elitist mentality prevalent in everyone from Steve Jobs to the douchebag next to me in the coffee shop with his brand new Macbook. I love Apple’s design, but even that is wearing thin with me, and it’s not enough to make me willing to bend over. Makes me sad, but it’s true. There doesn’t have to be a sea change for me to abandon ship.

  2. I defected from Apple around the time I found out my PowerTower Pro 210 wouldn’t ever be able to run OS9 because Apple decided to “end the clone program”. I hear tell you could run it, but by that point I was building a K6-2 450 and putting Windows 98 on it (once every three months). It was fucked up, but at least it was honest.

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