Monthly Archives: June 2007

FUCKING BILL ME ALREADY

Who knew that the most resounding and painful part of moving would be my fucking cable TV? I mean, who could have guessed? From the first moment, what was advertised as a seamless process has been like passing a bucket of gravel through my rectum.

Here are the steps as I have experienced them.

 

  1. Call one month in advance of your move.
  2. Answer a few basic questions.
  3. Set up an appointment day for the guy to show up, four hour window.
  4. Get the day off work.
  5. Wait for the day to come.
  6. Wait for the entire four hour window.
  7. Wait two more hours. Call Comcast to see where the hell the guy is.
  8. Wait two more hours. Call Comcast again.
  9. Guy shows up, stares at house. Asks where your cable connection is.
  10. Manage not to strangle guy. Ask what the fuck he means by that.
  11. Guy says “You don’t have cable”.
  12. Again, suppress murderous urges. Again, ask for clarity.
  13. Wait for guy to get off the cell phone. Have him explain that there isn’t a cable run from the pole to the house, and that they’re going to have to dig up the yard to bury one. He leaves, says somebody will be by right away to start on this.
  14. Wait a couple days.
  15. Guy calls, tells you to put the dogs in so that some folks can come around and check on the house.
  16. Nobody comes.
  17. Wait a couple days.
  18. Call Comcast. Explain that you wouldn’t, in fact, be OK with a $50 address change charge. Try to figure out what is going on and how long it’s going to take.
  19. Wait a couple days.
  20. Call Comcast. Ask how long this is going to take. Hear that it’s going to take 10 days to get the permit approved, then two weeks, give or take, to get the cable buried.
  21. Realize that you are now looking at a month without service. Bitch.
  22. Wait a couple days.
  23. Suddenly, they run a cable across the road overhead. Guy calls and wants to set up service now.
  24. Wait til the end of the month, realize that your bill isn’t autodebiting anymore. Call in, have a guy explain that because of the account changes this month it’s not going to happen. Pay over the phone.
  25. Wait another month. Realize your bill still hasn’t autodebited. Get some line about how it takes 45 days to set this up (WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I GOT LASER EYE SURGERY, FROM START TO FINISH, IN 45 DAYS, FROM FIRST VISIT TO SURGERY COMPLETION. I COULD BUILD A CAR IN 45 DAYS FROM SPARE PARTS. ME AND TWO OTHER GUYS COULD BUILD A CAR FROM IRON ORE IN 45 DAYS).
  26. Bitch.
  27. Get $20 credit.

Food Diary

Forgot to start this on Sunday.

Sunday – Rest day

  • Breakfast – Winco bran muffin, banana, cup of milk, orange flavored yogurt (scary cheap brand from Winco, too sugary, won’t buy again).
  • Lunch – Carl’s Jr. Western Bacon Cheeseburger with fries. Diet coke.
  • Dinner – Sunday dinner with the folks, baby back ribs (braised then broiled), mashed potatoes, corn on the cob. Large vodka tonic, glass of chardonnay, Cherry Coke zero.
  • Snacks through the day – One Winco Nazook pastry thing. About a cup of carrots. One Bubu Lubu and some popcorn at the movies. Probably another two diet cokes. Three cups of water (tap).

Monday – Crunches, slow leg lifts, benchpress, dumbbell shoulder press, hammer curls, rode my bike to work (4 miles each way).

  • Breakfast – Winco bran muffin, apple, cup of water, a banana when I got to work.
  • Snacks thus far – Baggie of carrots (say 20 ounces). Two Nalgenes of water. Diet Mountain Dew.
  • Lunch (Knew it would change, Feargus ended up getting a little money and wanted to go out) – Joy Teriyaki, mongolian chicken, rich and thick with refined sugar and sodium. Two balls of rice. Diet coke.
  • Dinner – (Altered due to changed lunch) Leftover pot roast and romaine salad.

Tuesday – Crunches, hammer curls, dumbell kickbacks, overhead tricep press. rode my bike to work (4 miles each way).

  • Breakfast – Banana.
  • Snacks – 20 ounces of carrots. Three nectarines. Lays Sour Cream and Cheddar Potato Chips. Two diet mountain dews (12oz).
  • Lunch – Leftover pot roast and mashed potatoes.
  • Dinner – Pasta with meat sauce. Last of the romaine salad. Two 12oz bottled beers (Some MacTarnahans Honey something or other that the Farbinator brought home). 

Wednesday – Stretches, rode my bike to work (4 miles each way).

  • Breakfast – Banana, apple, nectarine. Made a presspot of coffee (two large mugs with powdered non-dairy creamer).
  • Snacks – Last Nectarine. Lays Sour Cream and Cheddar Potato Chips.
  • Lunch – Last of the leftover rib meat and corn from Sunday dinner. Diet Mountain Dew.
  • Dinner – Grilled chicken breasts, grilled zucchini, frozen peas with onion. Cherry Coke Zero.
  • Dessert – Chocolate chip/pecan cookie.

Thursday – Stretches. Crunches, Obliques, Leg Lifts, rode my bike to work (4 miles each way).

  • Breakfast – Bowl of generic Cap’n Crunch cereal. Glass of 2% milk.
  • Snacks – 2x “Fit and Fruity” yogurts (last of the too-sugary ones I bought). Entirely out of carrots. Starting to freak out a little. Frosted donut. Doritos and salsa.
  • Lunch – Leftover Pasta from Tuesday.
  • Dinner – Grilled cheese and ham sandwiches. Big salad (all salads this week were with Catalina dressing, as I don’t have any other and I love it like a family member, except that I eat it).
  • Dessert – Frosted donut.

Friday – Hammer curls, preacher curls, rode my bike to work (4 miles each way).

  • Breakfast – Chocolate glazed donut and a banana.
  • Snacks – 2x nectarines, 1x banana, 20 oz carrots. A couple slices of ham.
  • Lunch – Not sure.
  • Dinner – I think we’re going to Toro Bravo.

The Reeking Pile of Failure

I finished The Glass Castle, and while I haven’t had quite enough time to digest it, I am beginning to suspect that it’s the sort of plastic-shard-and-bacon-grease ball that you swallow but never really finish digesting, it just sits in you, alternately poking and smothering, until you throw it up or forget about it.

I think my favorite moment, and all you folks who haven’t read it and plan to, stop reading this now, is when Maureen stabs Mom. Suddenly. Just… kind of anticlimactically, stabs her. Hey, gentle reader, guess, what, this kid you were fascinated by and whom we just vaguely ever get any detail about, turns out she’s crazy as fiberglass panties. Surprise!

My sister said it reminded her of our family, and I can see how it might from her perspective.

We were born 9 years apart, and the middle class only-childhood I had turned into a very strange situation by the time she was old enough to register it. The cars were running out of gas from time to time. Dad had finished up his degree at community college, but hadn’t actually applied it in the pursuit of a job yet. My mom had stopped babysitting kids when Sami went to school, and was working at the School District in some capacity or another, Dad was acting as a part-time crossing guard for her elementary school. I was working as a janitor at at different school, and it was a common occurrence to borrow money from the grandparents. We weren’t poor, at any rate, we just didn’t have as much money as we used to, and there was absolutely zero attempt to reconcile our lifestyle and our income. We’d eat steak when there was enough room on the credit cards for steak, when there wasn’t, we’d eat 59c tacos. We couldn’t afford to air condition the entire house, so we all slept in the addition we built before Dad got laid off or quit or whatever (I never really understood what happened), and air conditioned that.

We weren’t ever hungry, we weren’t ever at risk of losing the house (that I was aware of). We spent every penny that came in the door. There were a lot of empty promises, there was a lot of hard realizations as I was headed away from high school. I could have tried to apply for a better college, and probably should have, but the realities of finance weighed on me then, so I went where it was free, which meant a state college. I got $25 a week from Grandma so I could eat, I used the money I had saved from my various jobs to pay for books. I failed out in a year because I used the $25 on cigarettes and pot. When I left, I was invited back to the house and I got a job, and lived there for two years.

Sami just recently left for college. She applied herself, she went out and got scholarships and grants and federal loans and got herself into a good private school. They stopped sending her money for food in the second semester. When she came back, from her FIRST YEAR, they told her that they didn’t want her living with them anymore.

My dad isn’t a drunk, we haven’t ever “done the skedaddle”, Mom hasn’t ever eaten food out of our mouths. But I can certainly understand why my sister can see her parents in this book. I, however, can not. The parents she grew up with were not the parents I grew up with, and sometimes it sickens me.

Sleazy Rider

Two for two on riding in to work this week. It was raining when I got up this morning, and my first thought was to not ride in, but I decided I should “man up” and do it. So I did a couple short sets with the weights, a hundred crunches, twenty obliques on each side, and got my lazy ass on the bike. I’m glad I did, even though I do feel a little beat up right now. Tomorrow will be “the hump” for real and will determine the rest of the week. I’m hearing rain for sure, blech, but the hard part (finding my rain jacket and helmet cover) is done, so I’m not giving myself any slack.

In good news, the scale downstairs shows I’ve lost about 5 pounds, though my data gathering time is by no means standard.

Jericho

So, I’m just starting to watch this show that has been canceled. Sucks incredibly that no TV shows I enjoy seem to make it past the first two seasons without being canceled (most get canceled before that, Hi Andy Barker PI!) or going absolutely nowhere (I’m looking at you Admiral Adama). In recent years, I lost Huff, Dead Like Me, Firefly, Seven Days, Special Unit 2, Jeremiah, and a handful of other gems to the same black hole that stole Profit, Strange Luck, Brimstone, The Adventures of Brisco County Junior, during the course of my life. Very sad. Thankfully, due to the power of stealing shit, combined with the techmoloby of the Inter tube, those shows aren’t all gone and forgotten, and I can watch them still. Pretty fun, if you don’t think about the fact that you’re never going to figure out the solution to that mystery at the end of season 2.

It will shock me to my core if Heroes makes it to season three, I guess is my main point.