Last night, I had a very long, very realistic dream about laying in bed and not being able to think of anything to masturbate to.

When I woke up, I had to masturbate immediately to prove my dream wrong.

So, in traditional Walker style, my lifestyle is changing at a breakneck pace. I am fully in the thrall of homebuying now, there are all kinds of fun new terms you get to learn, which are all basically lies that you tell yourself are OK. Like “courier fee”, which is the fee that you pay nobody to do nothing, because fucking seriously fax machines people. There are also things like discount points, which are awarded based on pubic hair density, Administrative fees, origination fees, appraisal fees, escrow settlement fees which all sound pretty administrative to me and I’d certainly like to know who ends up with that money. I am betting leprechauns, except for the escrow settlement fee, which is instead ground up with the blood of a calf and poured into fire.

My metaphorical money vagina is sore from the pounding already.

So I believe I have learned something about realtors.

In order to become a successful realtor:

1. You must be forgetful.
2. You must not understand the where and whys of money in the real world (Bonus example: Customer - “Two hundred and forty thousand is too expensive.” You - “Can’t you just ask your boss for a raise? Even just a couple thousand would help.”),
3. if at all possible, you should be creepy, clingy, and unable to concentrate on any detail at all. If the person you are talking to doesn’t find themself creeping backwards to escape you, you are doing it all wrong.

So far, I’ve talked to _two_ realtors who told me if I could just get a four or five thousand dollar raise it would be a lot easier to get a house. Really? Having more money would make it easier to buy things? Fucking amazing. You should get a nobel fucking prize for your thesis on applied economics there, assmunch.

Made an appointment today for a lasik evaluation. We’ll see how that turns out. The place supposedly does wavefront (corneal mapping) and intralasik (no microkeratome, there is a laser that burns the corneal flap), which are two of the things I am fairly insistent about. My optometrist says that I’m a good candidate for it, as I’ve only had two fairly small changes to my prescription in 4 years, and I haven’t even needed new glasses (the changes were incredibly minor). If my cornea is thick enough (which is the last roadblock that my untrained self could imagine to the proceedure), I think it could be made to happen. $3200, for both eyes, and that includes the followup care at my optometrist’s office, which is a fair deal I think, unless my head falls off or something. I’ll be sure to post about it if that happens.

I think I managed to offend someone completely in just three volleys.

me: Enhance your calm, citizen. Observation is protection.

S: I am already feeling quite nutty today. Don’t freak me out.

me: Stop taking the goofballs and everything will be fine.

S: Oh God. If I stop talking to the goofballs, then that’s it for you two.

me: Yeah? Don’t know what to do without the saltpeter?

At this point, I believe I offended the person offline. Only time will tell, but I am currently convinced this is a personal best, from zero to “non-communicative” in three short moves.