Inspectah In Da House!

Yeah… so, for those of you who haven’t purchased a house, let me explain what the “house inspection” is.

You set up a time and date with your realtor, they tell you not to show up at that time, but “later than that”. This is like the house buying equivalent of “fashionably late” for a party. Otherwise you run the risk of being stranded without a place to hide from the sweaty desperate guys who will talk your ear off and generally prevent you from having a good time. Oddly, this description works equally well for the party or for the home inspection.

Then, you show up. You’re nervous, because you have no idea what this whole thing is going to be about. Again, the party metaphor follows. You have some things in mind you were curious about, a couple of little foibles here and there you don’t know how bad they are. The house inspector has a bunch of weird stuff like head-strap lamps and a full change of clothes and shit, so you start getting the idea that this is gonna be weird, like when you noticed the fishbowl full of keyrings next to the door, or smelled the unmistakable odor of overheated vaseline.
After he disappears and leaves you to make awkward small talk with the realtor for like another hour, he comes back with a little preliminary report, in which he shits on all your dreams. In party-parlance, it’s like if the host comes over and goes “The games are about to start, why are your pants still on” and you notice he’s got a double fistful of lube and all other guests are still wearing theirs.

He begins slowly, working his way around the outside of the property, little things. There’s some grass growing up towards the siding. There’s some wood on the ground outside. That little deck thing that you noticed was natty is now officially a little natty. The outside faucet handle is broken, that’s a little more serious. The light in the garage is burned out (fucking seriously, people), there’s an outlet that wiggles, there’s a wall heater thing that doesn’t work (again, he creeps back into the problems that mean stuff). And then he’s all over the place, the shit just gets worse and worse and you can’t even fend him off. It’s like the fight with Clubber Lang, you can’t even recover from one before another lands. Vapor barrier missing? Tile peeling up? Chimney is demolished? It goes on and on and you just put your hands over your face and pray that he gets tired before you die. Pretty soon your eyes start playing tricks on you, and you stagger from room to room seeing the absolute wreck that you almost spent money on, the festering pile of shit decomposes before your eyes, and you feel this sucking sensation around your pocket, and the money begins flooding out, you try to scream, but there’s no sound. Then, just as suddenly as it began, it’s over, and you’re left feeling used and abused and the greasy little man with the head lamp gets into his car and drives away with the promise that he’ll send you pictures of your emasculation tomorrow.

Then, you try to go home and sleep, try to scrub the failure off of you, sit up at night, crying softly into your pillow that it’s not true. But it is true, everyone can see it. Everyone walks into the house you’re buying and goes “Oh, my god, is that a non GFCI outlet in the bathroom? And I don’t even think the third Cadet heater in the living room works.” The women laugh at you, and the men just stare in judgment. Your mother walks in on this scene, wailing about how you have failed her and then your father just squares up to you, shakes his head over how he could have fathered such a child, and spits in your face, dropping your pathetic body to the floor and clomping off with his face a screwed up mask of rage. The mixed spittle and tears drip onto the floor, begins to soak into the wood – suddenly the house inspector is on you again clucking knowingly about the water damage. He warned you… he warned you.

Then, apparently, you make a list of stuff you want fixed and send it over to the guy selling the place and he can say no and then you’re fucked or something, this part I’m less clear on. But the spittle/tear/waterdamage part is pretty cut and dry.

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