Simplicity is Clarity

Again, my theme has spontaneously switched to the default wordpress theme. I have deactivated all the recent plugins I added to no avail, so… here’s Greenline. If this doesn’t freak out then I guess it’s Genkitheme, which sucks, because it’s amazingly pretty.

I’ve been feeling pretty fat for a while, and also still very cheap, so instead of springing for a gym membership, I’ve been looking at home elliptical trainers. I already have a weight bench and barbells at home, I can do situps and pushups and jumping jacks, but using the elliptical trainer at Bally’s was one of the compelling reasons to have that membership in the first place.

I’ve done some research, and it looks like the main complaints about ellipticals all hit the same couple of notes. Cheap frame/shitty welds. Unstable. Noisy. Short Stride Length.

I’ve looked around and it looks like the best “new purchase” elliptical in my price range (under $600) is the Schwinn 418 (currently $499 at Amazon with free shipping). So I’ve been looking on Craigslist.

Seriously, folks, exercise equipment isn’t wine. It didn’t improve as you aged it. You sweated on it, now stop asking 95% of MSRP. Bleah. However, unless I have found something used by this weekend, I think I’m going to drop the hammer on that Schwinn.

Guess I need to actually up and get rid of those couches and chairs, huh?

Twice in the past week, I arrived at work to the flashing of instant message windows, not the slightest bit work related.

One from each of the Lonely Ladies.

Lonely Lady Two was asking if I needed her daughter’s phone number again, despite the fact that I had told her no. I explained that the entire situation made me uncomfortable, and that I’d prefer to leave it alone (hat tip to Brad for helping me formulate the response). This of course didn’t dissuade her from prodding me more, but I’m sticking to my “leave me the fuck alone” guns.

Lonely Lady One was asking me if I had gone on a fun date. I responded that I hadn’t. This was all a ruse, to get me talking to her about the Mall Ninja.

The Mall Ninja is her ex boyfriend. From 1980. When they were 20 years old. They broke up for reasons that The Lonely Lady won’t really get into, I assume he left her for another woman or vice versa. I guess he wasn’t a Mall Ninja then, or at least hadn’t perfected his Mall Ninja technique. She got back in touch with him, for some reason. And went down there to see him. Here’s his story of what has happened since they broke up (as best as I can decipher from her crazy emails).

• He moved to Texas and worked as a contractor.
• He became a commercial pilot (small planes).
• He then joined the Air Force (or the AF Reserve, he did not specify)
• He flew “spy missions”. Nonspecific.
• He then found out his wife was sleeping with his commanding officer so he resigned. (Didn’t know you could do this but whatever)
• He then joined the Navy.
• He then became a SEAL. (keep in mind he would have been like 26, minimum)
• He then participated in the First Battle of Mogadishu (Black Hawk Down, meaning he’d have to be a member of Delta Force, the only SEALS involved in that conflict - He would have been 33 at the time)
• He is selected to attend “spy school”.
• After this, he was appointed to a nonspecific “diplomatic” mission, again doing “spy work”. Largely in Asia.
• After this immensely impressive career, spanning three branches of service and what had to have been dozens of commendations, he leaves the military.
• Bringing with him a resume that would literally guarantee him a position high in the hierarchy of any defense contractor in the world, he does what any sane man would do. He gets a dead end job at a Carmel, CA prison as a guard.
• He then gets married to a Russian woman, with a child. (Whether or not the kid is his is not determined)

And she honestly seems to believe him. She goes down there to visit him, and it’s a veiled adultery play, neither one has the cojones to just get down to fucking, so they have to play the game for a while, and before anybody’s hoo haa gets in touch with a bajingo, the Russian Bridge catches on. She starts sending email to LL2, broken english, asking for pictures. LL2 goes through paroxysms of doubt and sadness, but eventually, she just can’t let all the “trust” go. I’m not sure what the “trust” is, because she won’t define it.

Eventually this whole mess turns back around to me. So she plies me about my exes, and whether or not I’d get back together with any of them. This wasn’t entirely unexpected, she had hinted at it before. She asked, and she asked, and eventually we came to this. I’m paraphrasing.

“It sounds like you want it.” - LL2
“All other things being equal, I wouldn’t turn it down.” - Aaron
“Have you asked her about it?” - LL2
“I wouldn’t put our friendship in that position. And even though she’s not married, there are always consequences.” - Aaron
“So why don’t you go back and be with her? Life is short.” - LL2
“It seems a lot longer when you’re living in a town you hate after having ruined your career while still not having a relationship you thought you came back for.” - Aaron
“You’re too practical, where is your sense of romance?” - LL2

Is this really how people reason? Is this how they live? They move from one opportunity to fuck to another, and damn the consequences? Turn off your brain, ignore the lies, there’s “trust” there.

Are you sitting down? Are you ready? We’re gonna make a comic book movie. What? No, somebody already did that one. No. Not that one. No. Listen, shut the fuck up. No, we’re not doing that one. Stop it. Somebody gag him. There. Gag too tight? No? Perfect.

As I said, before I was so rudely interrupted. We’re gonna make a comic book movie. Stop grunting. Kick him in the balls. OK. Stop vomiting, the gag isn’t gonna move and you’re just gonna choke. Stop. Seriously just stop fidgeting. Pay attention, this is important. We’re gonna make a comic book movie. You aren’t seriously grunting another comic name, are you? OK, just stop. Think more edgy. No, that’s just gross. No, the Japanese are doing just fine there, thanks. No, edgy. OK, fine I’ll just tell you. It’s Mike Millar’s Wanted. Never heard of it? Perfect. OK. Here’s how we’re gonna do it.

See this guy right here? He’s a big fan of the series. He’s got no experience with screenwriting though so we’re gonna kill him for wasting our time. Yeah. Ew, no. Just, just get rid of the body. But this guy here. You see him? This guy… this guy is our boy. Yeah, him and this idiot twin attached to him. Yeah, they’ve got serious blockbusters under their belt. 2 Fast 2 Furious! And something else. Maybe like some porno thing. I’m not sure. But he’s got skills. And here’s how we’re gonna get this party started.

OK, Screenwriters, line up. Any of you ever heard of Wanted? No? Great. If I find out you’re lying so help me I’ll kill you all. OK. Take a look at this cover. Take a good hard look at it. You see it? You see how edgy it is? Perfect. Now we throw the book away. Yes, you heard me right, we just throw it away. Trust me, if you’d read it, you’d understand it’s better this way. We’re thinking Nobody McNobodyson as… I don’t even remember his name in the book. Something. Anyways, Angie Jolie plays The Tits and Morgan Freeman plays God or Destiny or something. Go, just go go go. Write.

You… stand up. Take that gag off him. You… start directing.

I didn’t get any great pictures of it, but on our bike ride today there was a super cute tiny little mole on the trail. Here’s the best I managed to get.

I also really like how this shot came out…